Weigh-In: Weeks 20, 21, 22: Hello Old Friend!

Hello Everyone,

My apologies yet again for not posting for a few weeks. The last few weeks have been consumed by the play, or actually having to do work at work (shocker there, I know!). However, yesterday was the final performance. Today is the hangover (and that's kinda how I feel today, too!). While I believe I will have the opportunity to work w/ the same people at some point again (at least I hope so), it will not be the same. Saying goodbye is the worst part for me. Today, as I was driving home from work, I drove by the exit where I would get off to go to the theatre, and my stomach sank. Perhaps I am a bit sentimental (duh!). But really, I was so blessed to have the opportunity to meet wonderful people, new friends, and rekindle a passionate love affair w/ theatre.

Onto the real reason for the blog. Time to track the weight loss thus far. The past 3 weeks have played out like this:

Week 20: Gained .2 lbs. :(
Week 21: Lost 1.4 lbs.
Week 22: Lost 1.8 lbs. (Not real sure how... but was pretty pleased w/ that result this weekend!)

This has brought my total weight loss to 35 lbs. in 22 weeks! :) 50 lbs. is really in sight now! I can't believe it.

So, now I am looking at my newly-discovered free time and am wondering what I'm going to do w/ it. I know I am definitely going back to the gym. In fact, I wanted to go tonight, but I have felt completely out of it today (was so tired last night that I went to bed at 9:30. Woke up around 2:30. Went back to sleep around 3:30. Woke up to get up then at 6:45. Really jacked myself up!). I am looking forward to working out again.

This year has been one that I've dedicated to working on me. And as I'm nearing the half-way point of the year, I can definitely say that in the past 6 months, I have discovered a little more self-confidence, gotten involved in something I love, met some new friends, and perhaps most importantly, really smiled for the first time in years. 

Me at Christmas in Disney, prior to starting diet.

Me and some of my new favorites. I am in green. First time I've looked at a picture of myself and have seen a difference! I do enjoy my "grrr" face. :)

Week # 18 Weigh-In: My Own Worst Critic

Greetings All,

Amid another busy week, I find some time to blog. Last week, I gained 1 lb., bringing total weight loss back up to 29 lbs. This week, this pound has become an obsession. I found myself really pissed off about it, dwelling on it... what I did right, what I did wrong. In reality (and I KNOW this), my weight fluctuates towards the high side when Aunt Flo is visiting, and like clockwork, I gain 1 lb. and the good Aunt arrives. It's been this way for 5 months. But it doesn't matter. I have kicked my ass this week over this stupid pound.

It's not been easy. We are now in full gear getting ready for the show now w/ practices every night of the week, which means I don't go home between work and rehearsal. Which means dinner is what I can scrounge up or can go get. I have gone out of my way to eat decently while I'm eating out, but it's still been difficult. I get home around 9:30 - 10:00, visit w/ the hubby for a minute, and then go to bed. Repeat.

Yes, the days have been hella-long. Yes, I am tired as hell. Yes, I miss my husband and my house needs cleaned. But the truth is, I am absolutely LOVING doing the show. I've met some really great people. I am having fun. I feel more alive than I have in a looooooooong time. I forgot how much I love theatre; the feeling of being on stage in front of people, the feeling of a stage under your feet, the way a theatre smells, the people that you meet... things I have missed for a long, long time. I feel like I'm finding me again.

And yet, I am torn between the high of the adrenalin of theatre and beating myself up over gaining a pound. Do I need to re-assess my priorities? Do I have to be so focused on losing weight that I cannot do things I love? Do I need to be getting my ass out of bed at 5:30 to work out prior to working 13 hour days? How can you do everything you want to do - everything you need to do? Balance in life has never exactly been a strong suit of mine. I like being busy - or perhaps the better word is consumed - by things that are not the mundane, everyday tasks. Anyone who knows me well knows that I do not half-ass anything. I'm all or nothing.

So, I try to do better this week, which I think I have. I remain my own worst critic. Because if I'm not, I'll lose my will. And no one else will do it for me. Hopefully, I will feel better about myself next week. In the meantime, I continue to fight. I love life. I work hard. I kick my own ass. I remain conflicted and unbalanced.

.... until next time... 

Week #17 Weigh-In

Hello All,

Hooray. I hit a milestone this past week! I lost 1.8 lbs., bringing my total loss to 30 lbs.!!!! 2 more pounds and the hubby is taking me shopping (I'm sure he's forgotten this promise by now... but this your little reminder, honey....).

I was really pleased w/ the results from the past week. I really did eat pretty well, at least until the weekend got here. This week, however, hasn't been as successful. I've had play practice nearly every night this week (except tomorrow... can't wait for a day off!), so it's involved eating when and where I can. I guess I'll find out when I go to weigh myself this weekend.

Work and life has also been busy. I like my life in a state of naturally-occuring busy, but lately, it's been like, WTF-kinda busy, added in w/ sleeping poorly and little exercise. I actually am missing it. I wish there were more hours in the day....

But, I'm making progress and moving along, and that's what matters. :)

Weigh-in #12

Hello Readers,

My many apologies for the tardiness of this post. My husband scolded me yesterday for not blogging yet this week (which was good... he keeps me honest!) w/ my latest weigh in, so here I am, better late than never...

This week has been absolutely crazy! It is the week of the office move, which means the amount of time I've been able to sit at my computer during work (shhh... don't tell...) and blog has been significantly reduced. After today, I won't even have access to my computer b/c tomorrow is our official move date. On top of which, I had an audition for another play Monday night, which I will discuss more in-depth here shortly. Yesterday, I had to go to a local town meeting, and spent all day helping our warehouse lady finish her packing, which was gruelling, intense work.... no need for a work out yesterday... I thoroughly kicked my own ass from all the packing, heavy lifting, etc.

Now for the weigh-in... this is a milestone in this adventure. It's been 3 months since I've been weighing myself and in that time, I have now officially lost 25 lbs! :) I lost 1.8 lbs last week alone, which was shocking b/c I actually never worked out. Then again, I have had anything but a "normal" office job over the past 2 weeks... most of my time is spent on my feet, running around, packing. So it breaks up the whole sitting on my butt in front of a computer typical kind of day for me. :) I am also now at my halfway point for the year for weight I've wanted to lose, which is also fairly awesome! I am definitely proud of this accomplishment and the hard work thus far!

As I mentioned earlier, I auditioned for a show this week. It is an adaptation of Alexandre Dumas' "La Dame aux Camilias" (or The Lady of the Camellias, if your French is a little week) aptly titled "Camille." If you have ever seen Moulin Rouge, the screenplay is a loose translation of the same story. The adaptation was written by the gentleman who will also be directing it, so it was interesting auditioning for someone who already knew what he wanted the show to feel/sound/look like. Some of the roles had already been casted, so I was not really expecting anything. However, I got a phone call yesterday and was offered a role! :) I will be playing Nichette, a respectable (read: not a whore!) girl and an old, dear friend of the main character. A small, supporting role, but a start... a foot in the door of the local theatre community, which is really all I wanted. I am thrilled and excited, and the first rehearsal is tomorrow (did I ever mention I am also a bit of a masochist...???). Whew!

So that's this week in a nut shell.... I'm tired just re-reading all of that... ugh! But yay for good news all around!

Weigh-In #4

Hi Everyone,

So it has now been a month of weigh-ins once a week. Here's today's weigh-in:

In 1 week, I lost 3 lbs., for a total of 14 lbs. in 4 weeks! :)

I was very happy to see this result, because it is a lot more than I expected it to be. This week has been hard for eating good and getting in a good work out. The auditions, as well as a more hectic-than-normal work schedule sort of threw any sort of "normal eating habit" into disarray. Not that I didn't eat well, but not as well as I should have. So I am fairly impressed.

I've noticed that pants are starting to get big on me, and people are starting to notice. Some of my co-workers at our other office mentioned that I look a bit thinner, and the hubby has noticed it too.

In semi-un-related news, I did not get the role I soo wanted (for more information, read my last post). Not going to lie, I am a bit bummed about it. However, to sit here and say that the girl who got the part did not deserve it or I think I would've done better, blah blah blah, is being a sore loser, and while I might be many things, that I am not. I am ok about it, really. Truth be told, the show would have come at a really bad time w/ regards to work and other commitments, so really, NOT doing the show makes my life a bit easier. It also makes it easier to staying committed to this lifestyle change I have been working so hard at. So I'm bummed, not bitter.

Weigh In #3

Good evening, and my apologies for not posting this sooner. :(

Ok, week 5 is in the books, and my 3rd weigh-in is.......

Loss of 3 pounds, for a total of 11 lbs. in 3 weeks! Yay!!!!

Still not noticing my clothes fitting different, which is kind of a bummer. Some of my pants are more comfortable, but not like, loose or big. The only pants I've noticed that are a bit bigger are my workout pants I just bought, but I think it's more because I stretched them out. LOL.

Had a very successful, yet ass-kicking workout w/ the Your Shape program tonight. Burned 378 calories tonight in 45 minutes. Now I'm pretty whooped and looking forward to just heading upstairs, showering, and going to bed.

In other news, I auditioned for a show tonight that I have been looking forward to very much, and got a callback for Thursday for the female lead!! I couldn't be more excited, especially since the last time I was in a show I was in high school, and being casted as a major character didn't happen much... except once. I was the "bad guy" in a murder mystery dinner theatre in HS. It was probably the most fun I had in a role.

The show is called "Fat Pig" by Neil LaBute. The premise is that a "normal" guy falls for an attractive, witty, plus sized girl and the hell normal guy gets from his friends, an obnoxious, narcissitic jackass of a guy and an ex girlfriend who wants more to their relationship. Eventually, he has to come to terms w/ how he feels about the relationship as well as his own preconceived notions. I'm in the running for the attractive and witty plus sized girl (I suppose that's kind of obvious... though not real sure about the attractive and witty part... LOL).  In researching the show, it's definitely one that takes on a lot of the stereotypes people have about heavy people, and it's a bit controversial. There's a good amount of cursing and dealing w/ some taboo topics, as well as some really not-so-nice names about plus sized people tossed around. I look at it as something much more than just a role... it's kind of my life. I've dealt with that kind of stuff in my past, and being that I've been a big girl since I was young, it gives me an opportunity to face and come to terms w/ some of the terrible things that I've been called or experienced.

In going through this change in my life, I have had to face some hard truths about things and who and what I am. I tended to imagine myself thinner than what I was and the truth is, despite hating it, getting on the scale and looking at the number on it was liberating. It's me saying, I accept this for what it is. And it will not be that way forever. That's the important thing. Perhaps true change cannot come w/o a little bit of acceptance of what and why you're changing. Also, I have a lot  more confidence since starting this out. Not because I'm looking fabulous or anything, but more like inner confidence or inner strength. Sharing this journey was something that I wasn't sure if I could or should, but I am sooooooo glad I did. I'm proud of myself thus far. I'm owning up to myself and making myself vulnerable, but it's the most awesome and wonderful thing I've done in a looooooooooooong-ass time! :)