Amid another busy week, I find some time to blog. Last week, I gained 1 lb., bringing total weight loss back up to 29 lbs. This week, this pound has become an obsession. I found myself really pissed off about it, dwelling on it... what I did right, what I did wrong. In reality (and I KNOW this), my weight fluctuates towards the high side when Aunt Flo is visiting, and like clockwork, I gain 1 lb. and the good Aunt arrives. It's been this way for 5 months. But it doesn't matter. I have kicked my ass this week over this stupid pound.
It's not been easy. We are now in full gear getting ready for the show now w/ practices every night of the week, which means I don't go home between work and rehearsal. Which means dinner is what I can scrounge up or can go get. I have gone out of my way to eat decently while I'm eating out, but it's still been difficult. I get home around 9:30 - 10:00, visit w/ the hubby for a minute, and then go to bed. Repeat.
Yes, the days have been hella-long. Yes, I am tired as hell. Yes, I miss my husband and my house needs cleaned. But the truth is, I am absolutely LOVING doing the show. I've met some really great people. I am having fun. I feel more alive than I have in a looooooooong time. I forgot how much I love theatre; the feeling of being on stage in front of people, the feeling of a stage under your feet, the way a theatre smells, the people that you meet... things I have missed for a long, long time. I feel like I'm finding me again.
And yet, I am torn between the high of the adrenalin of theatre and beating myself up over gaining a pound. Do I need to re-assess my priorities? Do I have to be so focused on losing weight that I cannot do things I love? Do I need to be getting my ass out of bed at 5:30 to work out prior to working 13 hour days? How can you do everything you want to do - everything you need to do? Balance in life has never exactly been a strong suit of mine. I like being busy - or perhaps the better word is consumed - by things that are not the mundane, everyday tasks. Anyone who knows me well knows that I do not half-ass anything. I'm all or nothing.
So, I try to do better this week, which I think I have. I remain my own worst critic. Because if I'm not, I'll lose my will. And no one else will do it for me. Hopefully, I will feel better about myself next week. In the meantime, I continue to fight. I love life. I work hard. I kick my own ass. I remain conflicted and unbalanced.
.... until next time...