One Year Later...

Hello Everyone,

I can't believe I haven't posted a blog since August. Eek! Bad me! :( I went back through and read my posts from the past year, and I am so amazingly proud of how far I've come in a year.

The lowest I got down to was down 38 lbs. Not quite the 50 lbs. I was hoping to lose in 2011, but still, that's nothing to sneeze at! I feel a lot better than I did at the beginning of last year. Even looking at pictures of myself from that time last year to now, I still don't think I'm any great beauty or anything, but I'm definitely better to look at then I was! Currently, given the holidays and everything, I am down 30 lbs. from last year. Holidays were terrible on me, as they always are.

A lot of things have changed in my life over the past year as well. I got very involved in the theatre community here in Youngstown, which is a vibrant, busy community filled with wonderful and talented people, many of whom I am privileged to now call friends. I've been in 5 shows since June, stage managed 1, and assistant directed 1. So I've been hella busy! My first lead roles were in a Christmas show last month, and I am currently in my first lead actress role currently in a show that is male dominated (only woman in the cast... thank God for our female stage manager!)! I am super-psyched about this role. The show is called Shining City. It takes place in Dublin (yes, I have to rock an Irish accent... it's coming along...). I play "the baby-mama drama" to the lead male. It's a lot of fun, and an entirely different role than anything I'm used to doing or playing, but it's challenging and I'm loving it and the cast and crew are beyond fantastic! It's going to be a great show, and I cannot wait!!

I also am looking at the prospect of a new job! I was offered a part-time position at John Carroll University in Cleveland working for their school of education. I am very excited for the opportunity, if not a bit nervous about leaving the stability of my full time, full benefits position to now work 2 part time jobs. But it's a chance I can't not take. I start in a few weeks, so I am looking forward to that.

I also can say that 2011 brought to me 2 very important things: friends and confidence. I turned 30 this year. I said goodbye to toxic friendships. I gained some wonderful new friends. Acting has really helped my confidence level increase, even though it has hindered my ability to exercise as much as I want. But I think that gaining what I did this year is also worthwhile.

I am, however, more desirous, to start a family. My younger sister got pregnant this year. My little nephew will be coming around in February. Every time I read my FB newsfeed, someone else is pregnant, or having babies, or posting pictures of babies. It makes me really happy for my friends and family, but at the same time, a bit depressed. I keep wondering when it will be my time.... Believe me, I am happy with my life, and there is plenty to keep me preoccupied. But once that switch is flipped that your ready to have a baby, there's nothing you can do to turn it off. I wish I could. I'm sure it would make things a lot easier on my husband....

Looking ahead at 2012, I am re-focusing on losing weight and feeling good. Besides, I'd like to lose this holiday weight... really want to look good for the show opening in Febraury. ;) So I'm back to eating right and exercising. Got the new Your Shape 2012 for the Kinect, and I LOVE it! I love running through NYC. I love the dance classes. It's great. I highly recommend it! I played it yesterday. Today, I am sore, so I'm taking a break. Will probably run tomorrow before I go out on the town tomorrow night. :)

So dear friends, I guess at the completion of a year, I am proud to say, I am a slightly less big girl living in a small world. :)

Below is the progression. This was me when I made the decision that I needed to no longer be a fat ass! December, 2010

This was in June, 2011. No, I do not normally dress like this. Was in my first play in 10 years, Camille.

This was November, 2011 on my birthday w/ the hubby.

Oooh... did I mention I can now buy clothes at The Limited?!?!?? Definite highlight of the year! :)

Weigh-In: Weeks 27, 28, and 29: Cookie Weight and Ex-Boyfriends

Greetings Blog Readers,

Another 3 weeks have come and gone. The dieting has gone better over the past few weeks. Even got back into working out, which feels great when you have a lot on your mind. I tend to forget that when I'm working out, I forget everything else and am solely concentrating on not dying. LOL.

Anyways, the past 3 weeks have gone a little something like this:

Week 27 - Gained 4 lbs. Yeah. 4 lbs. Damn near had a heart attack! But it was that time, so I kind of figured it would be up, but not THAT up. I also blamed it on what I affectionately called "cookie weight" after indulging on that delicious cookie tray I mentioned in my last post. So, I knew I'd have to wait a week and see what was "cookie weight" vs. monthly visitor weight...

Week 28 - Lost 4.4 lbs. Yeah. Screw you cookies! Take that!

Week 29 - Lost 2 lbs. Happy dance! This puts me at a total of 37 lbs. since the start of the year! It is oh-so nice to see the numbers going down for a change... I was getting real sick of flirting w/ 35 lbs.... it's like an old boyfriend or something... like, that was nice, time to move on.

Due to the fact that it's late on a Saturday night and I'm getting tired, I really don't have a whole lot more to say. But I do. I'm just tired and don't feel like doing a hearty blog at the moment. Will write more later, when I'm more awake.

Later. :)

Weigh-In: Weeks 24, 25, 26: In Search of Zen

Hello Friends,

Long time, no see. I wish I had something to blame it on... not that I haven't been busy... but not enough that I should have ignored my blog for 3 weeks. Such is life, I suppose. Seems like I've been having the same feeling about the lifestyle change...

So, over the past 3 weeks, I gained .2lbs, lost 1.6 lbs., and then lost 0 lbs. I am still flirting with down 35 lbs. since the beginning of the year. I shouldn't be irritated... I'm still 10 lbs. over my goal for this time of the year. I was doing so well in the beginning - super-motivated, ambitious. Now, other things have my attention. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's something I absolutely have to figure out how to balance my life.

I can tell you right now, this week has been particularly abysmal. I hosted a cast party for the show I was in earlier this summer at the house, and had a metric ton of leftovers that finally got out of the house today. One of my achilles' heels, though, was a cookie tray I bought at Sam's Club that was hardly touched. That tray of cookies was like having drugs around someone who was out of rehab. I know that's a pretty harsh comparison, but seriously, that's how it felt. I couldn't keep my hands off of the cookies. Even if I didn't want one. Even if I wasn't hungry. I would be walking through the kitchen and be like "ooh, cookie." And truthfully, I feel like shit. I've ate like shit, and I feel it. It's the re-introduction of large amounts of sugar to the body. I remember it from the last time I did this diet. I am lethargic, moody, and have a chronic tummyache. It's a terrible feeling, until your body adjusts to digesting or metabolizing sugar again. However, that's not really an option I'm considering going back to. So begins the official re-detox. And it will probably be equally sucky. I sit here writing the blog and want to do nothing except sit on my ass, which is totally counter-productive. *sigh*

I have about 15 more lbs. to go. I've done it at least twice over thus far. This should not be so hard. But it is. I have plateaued, and really, I think it's about finding some balance in my life.

Weigh-in: Week #23

*grumble*

I am officially sick of the whole once-a-month visitor/weight gain correlation. I don't really think I helped it much this week, though. Evidently, my post-show hangover also included generally poor eating habits this week. I ended up gaining 2 lbs. this week. :(

I'm not bummed, though. I'm learning that I go through this and to be patient. It's just a pain in the ass. And that perhaps I need to help myself through these wonderful times by actually not eating like shit, like I did this week. I had wings TWICE this week! I really need to get back into the mindset of self control. That's half the battle. CHOOSING what I SHOULD eat as opposed to what sounds good. But I'm going to do better. I am going to go back to working out. B/c the alternative is not something I am ever going back to. Period.

I will say this, though... was going through my summer clothes that I bought last year to go to Myrtle Beach. I had to give away a lot of the shorts and capris. They were ridiculously big. That was a good feeling. I'm down 2 whole pant sizes since I bought them, and it really does feel nice to put on jeans from college and not feel entirely self-concious in them (or the fact I can squeeze into them is nice, too!).

So that's where I'm at this week. Taking it all in stride, but beating myself up enough to stay motivated...

Tune in next time.... ;)

Weigh-In: Weeks 20, 21, 22: Hello Old Friend!

Hello Everyone,

My apologies yet again for not posting for a few weeks. The last few weeks have been consumed by the play, or actually having to do work at work (shocker there, I know!). However, yesterday was the final performance. Today is the hangover (and that's kinda how I feel today, too!). While I believe I will have the opportunity to work w/ the same people at some point again (at least I hope so), it will not be the same. Saying goodbye is the worst part for me. Today, as I was driving home from work, I drove by the exit where I would get off to go to the theatre, and my stomach sank. Perhaps I am a bit sentimental (duh!). But really, I was so blessed to have the opportunity to meet wonderful people, new friends, and rekindle a passionate love affair w/ theatre.

Onto the real reason for the blog. Time to track the weight loss thus far. The past 3 weeks have played out like this:

Week 20: Gained .2 lbs. :(
Week 21: Lost 1.4 lbs.
Week 22: Lost 1.8 lbs. (Not real sure how... but was pretty pleased w/ that result this weekend!)

This has brought my total weight loss to 35 lbs. in 22 weeks! :) 50 lbs. is really in sight now! I can't believe it.

So, now I am looking at my newly-discovered free time and am wondering what I'm going to do w/ it. I know I am definitely going back to the gym. In fact, I wanted to go tonight, but I have felt completely out of it today (was so tired last night that I went to bed at 9:30. Woke up around 2:30. Went back to sleep around 3:30. Woke up to get up then at 6:45. Really jacked myself up!). I am looking forward to working out again.

This year has been one that I've dedicated to working on me. And as I'm nearing the half-way point of the year, I can definitely say that in the past 6 months, I have discovered a little more self-confidence, gotten involved in something I love, met some new friends, and perhaps most importantly, really smiled for the first time in years. 

Me at Christmas in Disney, prior to starting diet.

Me and some of my new favorites. I am in green. First time I've looked at a picture of myself and have seen a difference! I do enjoy my "grrr" face. :)

Week #19 Weigh-In

Good afternoon everyone!

I sheepishly post this blog following last week's "I gained a pound, woah is me" rant. This week, I lost 3 lbs.! Nearly fell over when I saw that on the scale! This brings the total loss to 32 lbs. in just less than 5 months! It also solidified that I really DO gain weight during that time of the month, and that freaking out about it really just makes me feel like crap. It is part of my makeup as a woman, for better or worse, and one of those things that I need to just deal with.

Now that I've lost 32 lbs., the hubby has promised to take me shopping for some new clothes. Truthfully, I actually would rather HE go shopping. Kurt's lost 22 lbs. since the beginning of the year (yay hubby!), and he really has nothing that fits him anymore. I have clothes that I now fit into again, so the amount of shopping I really need to do has been decreased (not that I wouldn't jump on the opportunity to go shopping, but he really does need it more than I do...).

I wish I could say that this week has been off to a good start. However, 2 days of eating hot dogs and hamburgers has been like blech, and I'm definitely feeling it today. So, it's back to normal life, and eating well for the rest of the week. Hopefully, losing 3 lbs. wasn't a fluke and will continue the wonderful downward spiral this week, into the 5 month mark of this adventure.

Until next week.... stay thirsty my friends. ;)

Week # 18 Weigh-In: My Own Worst Critic

Greetings All,

Amid another busy week, I find some time to blog. Last week, I gained 1 lb., bringing total weight loss back up to 29 lbs. This week, this pound has become an obsession. I found myself really pissed off about it, dwelling on it... what I did right, what I did wrong. In reality (and I KNOW this), my weight fluctuates towards the high side when Aunt Flo is visiting, and like clockwork, I gain 1 lb. and the good Aunt arrives. It's been this way for 5 months. But it doesn't matter. I have kicked my ass this week over this stupid pound.

It's not been easy. We are now in full gear getting ready for the show now w/ practices every night of the week, which means I don't go home between work and rehearsal. Which means dinner is what I can scrounge up or can go get. I have gone out of my way to eat decently while I'm eating out, but it's still been difficult. I get home around 9:30 - 10:00, visit w/ the hubby for a minute, and then go to bed. Repeat.

Yes, the days have been hella-long. Yes, I am tired as hell. Yes, I miss my husband and my house needs cleaned. But the truth is, I am absolutely LOVING doing the show. I've met some really great people. I am having fun. I feel more alive than I have in a looooooooong time. I forgot how much I love theatre; the feeling of being on stage in front of people, the feeling of a stage under your feet, the way a theatre smells, the people that you meet... things I have missed for a long, long time. I feel like I'm finding me again.

And yet, I am torn between the high of the adrenalin of theatre and beating myself up over gaining a pound. Do I need to re-assess my priorities? Do I have to be so focused on losing weight that I cannot do things I love? Do I need to be getting my ass out of bed at 5:30 to work out prior to working 13 hour days? How can you do everything you want to do - everything you need to do? Balance in life has never exactly been a strong suit of mine. I like being busy - or perhaps the better word is consumed - by things that are not the mundane, everyday tasks. Anyone who knows me well knows that I do not half-ass anything. I'm all or nothing.

So, I try to do better this week, which I think I have. I remain my own worst critic. Because if I'm not, I'll lose my will. And no one else will do it for me. Hopefully, I will feel better about myself next week. In the meantime, I continue to fight. I love life. I work hard. I kick my own ass. I remain conflicted and unbalanced.

.... until next time...