How do you pick up the threads of an old life?

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold" - Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.

Greetings friends,

So maybe my introduction is a bit dramatic. But as I looked back on the blog posts I wrote 3 or 4 years ago, it may well have been a lifetime ago.

Like my friends in the Hobbit stories, I feel like I've been "there and back again." Last time I blogged, which was 3 years ago, I had recently started a new job at a woman's college in Cleveland. One year ago, the opportunity arose to go back to the university I was working at in 2012, but full time. I went for it, and it was a good decision. I rekindled friendships, started new ones and I am really glad for the support I have found here.

I also started working on one of my "Life List" items - I am working on my Ed.D. as we speak! I am 2 years into my program, which means I'm halfway done! In May, 2018, I'll be Dr. Brittiani McNeil, which is pretty bad-ass. It's been hard and I can't tell you the number of times where I was like, the hell with it. But I think it will be worth it in the end. The doctorate will (hopefully!) open up new opportunities and doors for me.

I moved from the Youngstown area about a year ago. A bittersweet decision, as I had found a wonderful group of friends and support structure there. It was time to move on, though. And commuting from Youngstown to Cleveland, which is 64 miles one way, was killing me.

The divorce was finalized in October, 2013. It wasn't particularly messy or hostile. It ended quietly, with the sound of a gavel and the signing of some papers. There wasn't much to fight about, and in the end, he assured me that he would forget about being married once upon a time. So, forget-able me walked away a little older, a little colder, and much smarter, stronger, and realistic. As Frodo noted, "There are... some hurts that go too deep." Well, this scar hangs out. It's a little dead part of my heart. A bit of innocence and romance that will never return.

It's been nearly 3 years since we finalized. Four years since we split (hell, almost as long as we were married!). 95% of the time, I am awesome. Every so often, a memory is kicked up and it stings for a minute, or I run into his doppleganger at Target and nearly puke on his shoes (that actually happened!).

I have a wonderful man in my life. He was a theatre friend who became much more. My Tom has a larger than life, bombastic, weird-ass public persona, but inside is this big teddy bear. He has been supportive through everything, my biggest cheerleader as I work on my doctorate, and I really feel like I can be myself with him. I am grateful.

But I'm still a big girl in a small world. I am officially at my heaviest weight. My blood tests and all that medical stuff still comes back normal, but it won't forever. I'm 34. I don't have children. I don't know that I will. I know in the past, having a healthy pregnancy was a huge motivator for me, and when that idea kind of evaporated, so did my drive to be healthy. The divorce and other major life changes didn't help. Some people stop eating. I ate ALL the things. My life is super sedentary. I have an office job, I come home, eat dinner, do homework, go to bed.

Recently, I decided I was over what I was seeing in the mirror. I am tired of not having energy. So quietly, without any big announcement of fanfare, I just decided to say enough. I am eating better. I bought a little bike. I am starting out slow. I don't think I even told Tom. I just make the conscious decision to do a little better. For no other reason other than it's exactly what I need to do. And I think that will make all the difference.

So, my little Hobbit friend Frodo, "How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back?" The answer is, you don't. You take your tattered, worn threads, begin re-weaving them, and start over.

I'm going on an adventure! Will you join me?

Bless me Father, for I have sinned...

... it has been 18 months since my last confession. And in 18 months, my life is completely different. I scrolled through my old posts of journaling my weight loss and feel a sting of disappointment.

Do I begin w/ the excuses? The reasons? The justifications in my head? Does it matter? When things happen to you, the measure of one's character is how one deals with challenges and adversity. So I've done what I needed to do and worked through what I needed to work through, but sometimes you need someting to help you get through. And you turn to that which you know. What is familiar. What gives you instant gratification.

People are going to read this who may know or not know and may perhaps be shocked and confused. But this is the first time I'm saying this out loud in this kind of a digital medium where I am putting it out for the world to know...

Last September, my husband asked me for a divorce. Things weren't working out. Neither of us had been happy for a long time (and that's all I'm saying about that). Regardless, I was heartbroken. I moved out in October and moved in with a very dear friend who was kind enough to put me up while I go through this transition period. In November, I received news that my contract at my job was not going to be renewed due to budget cuts. And just before Christmas, I was separated from my husband and lost my job.

I'm not much for wallowing. I find it counter-productive. This time, it was harder to just pick myself up by the bootstraps and trudge along. I didn't have much of a reason to. There were days I barely got out of bed. You may recall one of my major motivations for losing weight a few years ago was so that I could have a healthy pregnancy. Well, that motivation was shot to hell. The idea of dating anyone was revolting. And while I tried to smile and tell people I was ok, I wasn't. My housemate strongly recommended I see a counselor, so I did. That helped. And every day, I made smaller and smaller steps to become a functioning human being again.

I started to have more good days than bad days. I started to see opportunities ahead of me as opposed to failures behind me. After 5 months of unemployment, I got a job at a small woman's college in Cleveland in May. Full-time. Benefits. Own office!!! Not great money, but better than unemployment by a long shot. Just having a job did a lot for my sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Felt productive again.

I am recovering. I still have bad days... but not as often. I have days where I don't want to get out of bed, but that's only b/c I'm sleepy and comfy, not full of despair. I also can now look in the mirror at myself and say, you're gonna be ok. Better than ok. Just fine. Now work on yourself.

And this brings us to the right now. I have gained about 30 lbs back. Hugely disappointed. That puts me too close to my highest weight, and I don't want to go there again. Clothes aren't fitting me. I'm not happy w/ how I look and I don't like the way I feel. So I need to start from square one, and begin again. I work at a college and have free access to a gym.... I need to use it! I live very close to a beautiful metropark w/ lovely trails and stuff and I've never been there! That should change. It's time to set new goals, reward small victories, find new support, and really try to be the best version of me I can be. I think it's time to start really "defying gravity."

I will be the phoenix.

And now for something entirely different...

Last year, a colleague suggested that while I have a bit of time off from theatre and with work being a bit slow, this would be a good time to figure out what I really want to get out of life and come up with a life list. So, I thought about it. Life is short, and there is a lot I want to do. So, I compiled a life list, and for the past year or so, it's been sitting in my purse... it's a folded up piece of paper with notes on it that I've added to and crossed things out several times. Now, it's time to publish it publically, in case I ever lose that piece of paper, this exists somewhere out there as a reminder to me of what I want to do.

 A few trends that stood out were that I really want to travel. A lot. And there is a lot that I want to do simply for myself. Entirely selfish, maybe even vain, but things that would fulfill a goal or dream. Besides, it's my life, being selfish is extremely difficult for me, and well, why the hell not?!? Some of the items will also have a bit of a description under them. Call it an explanation, a justification, or some clarification... whatever. Just a few notes.

So without further ado, Brittiani's Life List:

1. Drink wine in Napa Valley, California

2. Walk inside of a castle

3. See a play I wrote being performed

4. Write a book/novel

5. Pay off my student loans and throw a big-ass party
        The way I see it, my student loans are ridiculous, and perhaps will never be paid off, or I will be somewhere in my mid to late 50s when they are paid off. And since that will yield a lot of extra $$ in my pocket a month, I think that money would be better spent by hosting a fairly epic party... even if I'm old!

6. Meet a legit celebrity

7. Be a lead actress in a play that depends on me not sucking

8. Run a 5k

9. Wear a bikini and feel ok in it
          I added that last little bit b/c I could put on a bikini now, but believe me, no one wants to see that! I don't ever expect myself to be skinny enough to buy a bikini and strut my hot self around in it. But to put one on and at least feel confident enough to walk into public with it on, would be nice.

10. Be a mommy

11. Be an educator

12. Swim with a dolphin

13. Learn archery

14. Fly first class

15. Order room service

16. Get a tattoo
           This is one of those things that I know what I want, where (for the most part) I want it. I just haven't quite worked up the nerve to do it. Was going to do it for my 30th birthday, but was talked into buying a piece of jewelry instead. I'm a big wimp!

17. Travel to:
       Scotland
       England
       Ireland
       France
       Russia
       Italy
       Vatican City
       Australia
       New Zealand
       Greece
       Chicago
       Nova Scotia
       Alaska
       San Francisco
       Vancouver

18. Do a photo shoot for fun
              The first thing I can cross off my list! Was able to do a pinup shoot w/ a girl friend last summer. Had a blast! Would love to do that again!

19. Read more

20. Impact someone's life in a way that they are changed forever, preferably in a good way...

21. Go parasailing

22. Stand up for a cause
            It's not that I don't support causes or groups or organizations. I do. Wholeheartedly. However, I've never been to a protest, never held a sign supporting or against anything, or never took direct action. Case in point, when Westboro Baptist Church was planning on coming to Chardon to the funeral of the kid who died in the school shooting there in February, I really wanted to be part of the group that blocked them from the church. But I didn't go. I felt that being at work was more important. And I wish I did. I wanted to go to Occupy Youngstown. Never did. So, one day, I want to do something more than wish people luck. I want to give money, participate, write letters, be obnoxious. Be strong! Be a part of something bigger than myself!

23. Go to NASA

24. Be in a movie... again!
            In February, I got offered a part in a movie being shot in Youngstown. A decent part, nonetheless. Definitely a supporting role. Click here for the preview (but if you don't do horror movies or goriness, or if kids are around, this is not for you). It was a really interesting experience. Very different from live stage. Filmed the whole thing in 24 hours, and for the 18+ hours I was on-set, it was cold, exhausting, and very surreal. Like, we couldn't go out in public dressed as we were, so you had no idea what was going on in the rest of the world. So, WWIII could have started and I would have had no idea. It was a really cool experience I would like to do again.

25. Take a cruise

26. Go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans

27. Ride in a hot air balloon

28. Have a spa day complete with a massage, facial, manicure, and pedicure
             I got my first massage as a birthday gift and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I have a gift certificate I got for Christmas for a pedicure but I haven't used it yet (I have no good reason why...). But I would like to spend a day being a pampered lady. That would be nice.

29. See the aurora borealis

30. Go to Alcatraz

31. Go to the redwood forest in California

32. See the pyramids of Giza, Egypt

33. Watch a sunrise and a sunset on the same day, and not through the windshield of my car during my daily commute

34. Go to a non-work-related conference or convention

35. Sing a solo on stage and not suck

36. Learn American Sign Language better than I do now
             At this point, I know most of the letters. I know some words. But I'd like to actually be able to sign in conversation.

37. Tell Mrs. Milford how much she meant to me
             Mrs. Milford was my choir teacher for 4 years of high school. I don't think we got along well in the beginning. I was irresponsible and she would expect a lot out of you and I just didn't feel like giving it. However, as I got into the middle of my junior year and through my senior year, she grew to like me, and me her. I would do extra-curricular things with her and for her. I learned a lot from her, like how to sight read music, sing with my diaphragm, harmonize, and be flexible as a singer. However, it wasn't until I was in college for a while did I realize that she was not just teaching you how to be a better singer, but was prepping you for life. Learning responsibility, respect, flexibility, patience, and that first impressions are not entirely accurate are lessons that have filtered throughout my life as an adult. I appreciate her.

38. Speak publically in front of 100 people
              I figure start small here. It's not that I'm afraid to speak in public, but to do so to large groups would be such an adrenaline rush... so I'm starting w/ 100 and going up! :)

39. Keep dancing

40. Have dinner in a restaraunt that overlooks a city or other site

41. Dance on a beach

42. Do the food and wine celebration event at EPCOT

43. "Drink around the world" at EPCOT
             Essentially, have an alcoholic beverage at every country represented at EPCOT, which is my favorite place on earth!

44. Meet a celebrity on my "get out of marriage free" list
              I have a few celebrities that my husband will let me "get out of marriage free" for.

45. Get my Ph.D. or Ed.D.

One Year Later...

Hello Everyone,

I can't believe I haven't posted a blog since August. Eek! Bad me! :( I went back through and read my posts from the past year, and I am so amazingly proud of how far I've come in a year.

The lowest I got down to was down 38 lbs. Not quite the 50 lbs. I was hoping to lose in 2011, but still, that's nothing to sneeze at! I feel a lot better than I did at the beginning of last year. Even looking at pictures of myself from that time last year to now, I still don't think I'm any great beauty or anything, but I'm definitely better to look at then I was! Currently, given the holidays and everything, I am down 30 lbs. from last year. Holidays were terrible on me, as they always are.

A lot of things have changed in my life over the past year as well. I got very involved in the theatre community here in Youngstown, which is a vibrant, busy community filled with wonderful and talented people, many of whom I am privileged to now call friends. I've been in 5 shows since June, stage managed 1, and assistant directed 1. So I've been hella busy! My first lead roles were in a Christmas show last month, and I am currently in my first lead actress role currently in a show that is male dominated (only woman in the cast... thank God for our female stage manager!)! I am super-psyched about this role. The show is called Shining City. It takes place in Dublin (yes, I have to rock an Irish accent... it's coming along...). I play "the baby-mama drama" to the lead male. It's a lot of fun, and an entirely different role than anything I'm used to doing or playing, but it's challenging and I'm loving it and the cast and crew are beyond fantastic! It's going to be a great show, and I cannot wait!!

I also am looking at the prospect of a new job! I was offered a part-time position at John Carroll University in Cleveland working for their school of education. I am very excited for the opportunity, if not a bit nervous about leaving the stability of my full time, full benefits position to now work 2 part time jobs. But it's a chance I can't not take. I start in a few weeks, so I am looking forward to that.

I also can say that 2011 brought to me 2 very important things: friends and confidence. I turned 30 this year. I said goodbye to toxic friendships. I gained some wonderful new friends. Acting has really helped my confidence level increase, even though it has hindered my ability to exercise as much as I want. But I think that gaining what I did this year is also worthwhile.

I am, however, more desirous, to start a family. My younger sister got pregnant this year. My little nephew will be coming around in February. Every time I read my FB newsfeed, someone else is pregnant, or having babies, or posting pictures of babies. It makes me really happy for my friends and family, but at the same time, a bit depressed. I keep wondering when it will be my time.... Believe me, I am happy with my life, and there is plenty to keep me preoccupied. But once that switch is flipped that your ready to have a baby, there's nothing you can do to turn it off. I wish I could. I'm sure it would make things a lot easier on my husband....

Looking ahead at 2012, I am re-focusing on losing weight and feeling good. Besides, I'd like to lose this holiday weight... really want to look good for the show opening in Febraury. ;) So I'm back to eating right and exercising. Got the new Your Shape 2012 for the Kinect, and I LOVE it! I love running through NYC. I love the dance classes. It's great. I highly recommend it! I played it yesterday. Today, I am sore, so I'm taking a break. Will probably run tomorrow before I go out on the town tomorrow night. :)

So dear friends, I guess at the completion of a year, I am proud to say, I am a slightly less big girl living in a small world. :)

Below is the progression. This was me when I made the decision that I needed to no longer be a fat ass! December, 2010

This was in June, 2011. No, I do not normally dress like this. Was in my first play in 10 years, Camille.

This was November, 2011 on my birthday w/ the hubby.

Oooh... did I mention I can now buy clothes at The Limited?!?!?? Definite highlight of the year! :)

Weigh-In: Weeks 27, 28, and 29: Cookie Weight and Ex-Boyfriends

Greetings Blog Readers,

Another 3 weeks have come and gone. The dieting has gone better over the past few weeks. Even got back into working out, which feels great when you have a lot on your mind. I tend to forget that when I'm working out, I forget everything else and am solely concentrating on not dying. LOL.

Anyways, the past 3 weeks have gone a little something like this:

Week 27 - Gained 4 lbs. Yeah. 4 lbs. Damn near had a heart attack! But it was that time, so I kind of figured it would be up, but not THAT up. I also blamed it on what I affectionately called "cookie weight" after indulging on that delicious cookie tray I mentioned in my last post. So, I knew I'd have to wait a week and see what was "cookie weight" vs. monthly visitor weight...

Week 28 - Lost 4.4 lbs. Yeah. Screw you cookies! Take that!

Week 29 - Lost 2 lbs. Happy dance! This puts me at a total of 37 lbs. since the start of the year! It is oh-so nice to see the numbers going down for a change... I was getting real sick of flirting w/ 35 lbs.... it's like an old boyfriend or something... like, that was nice, time to move on.

Due to the fact that it's late on a Saturday night and I'm getting tired, I really don't have a whole lot more to say. But I do. I'm just tired and don't feel like doing a hearty blog at the moment. Will write more later, when I'm more awake.

Later. :)

Weigh-In: Weeks 24, 25, 26: In Search of Zen

Hello Friends,

Long time, no see. I wish I had something to blame it on... not that I haven't been busy... but not enough that I should have ignored my blog for 3 weeks. Such is life, I suppose. Seems like I've been having the same feeling about the lifestyle change...

So, over the past 3 weeks, I gained .2lbs, lost 1.6 lbs., and then lost 0 lbs. I am still flirting with down 35 lbs. since the beginning of the year. I shouldn't be irritated... I'm still 10 lbs. over my goal for this time of the year. I was doing so well in the beginning - super-motivated, ambitious. Now, other things have my attention. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's something I absolutely have to figure out how to balance my life.

I can tell you right now, this week has been particularly abysmal. I hosted a cast party for the show I was in earlier this summer at the house, and had a metric ton of leftovers that finally got out of the house today. One of my achilles' heels, though, was a cookie tray I bought at Sam's Club that was hardly touched. That tray of cookies was like having drugs around someone who was out of rehab. I know that's a pretty harsh comparison, but seriously, that's how it felt. I couldn't keep my hands off of the cookies. Even if I didn't want one. Even if I wasn't hungry. I would be walking through the kitchen and be like "ooh, cookie." And truthfully, I feel like shit. I've ate like shit, and I feel it. It's the re-introduction of large amounts of sugar to the body. I remember it from the last time I did this diet. I am lethargic, moody, and have a chronic tummyache. It's a terrible feeling, until your body adjusts to digesting or metabolizing sugar again. However, that's not really an option I'm considering going back to. So begins the official re-detox. And it will probably be equally sucky. I sit here writing the blog and want to do nothing except sit on my ass, which is totally counter-productive. *sigh*

I have about 15 more lbs. to go. I've done it at least twice over thus far. This should not be so hard. But it is. I have plateaued, and really, I think it's about finding some balance in my life.

Weigh-in: Week #23

*grumble*

I am officially sick of the whole once-a-month visitor/weight gain correlation. I don't really think I helped it much this week, though. Evidently, my post-show hangover also included generally poor eating habits this week. I ended up gaining 2 lbs. this week. :(

I'm not bummed, though. I'm learning that I go through this and to be patient. It's just a pain in the ass. And that perhaps I need to help myself through these wonderful times by actually not eating like shit, like I did this week. I had wings TWICE this week! I really need to get back into the mindset of self control. That's half the battle. CHOOSING what I SHOULD eat as opposed to what sounds good. But I'm going to do better. I am going to go back to working out. B/c the alternative is not something I am ever going back to. Period.

I will say this, though... was going through my summer clothes that I bought last year to go to Myrtle Beach. I had to give away a lot of the shorts and capris. They were ridiculously big. That was a good feeling. I'm down 2 whole pant sizes since I bought them, and it really does feel nice to put on jeans from college and not feel entirely self-concious in them (or the fact I can squeeze into them is nice, too!).

So that's where I'm at this week. Taking it all in stride, but beating myself up enough to stay motivated...

Tune in next time.... ;)

Weigh-In: Weeks 20, 21, 22: Hello Old Friend!

Hello Everyone,

My apologies yet again for not posting for a few weeks. The last few weeks have been consumed by the play, or actually having to do work at work (shocker there, I know!). However, yesterday was the final performance. Today is the hangover (and that's kinda how I feel today, too!). While I believe I will have the opportunity to work w/ the same people at some point again (at least I hope so), it will not be the same. Saying goodbye is the worst part for me. Today, as I was driving home from work, I drove by the exit where I would get off to go to the theatre, and my stomach sank. Perhaps I am a bit sentimental (duh!). But really, I was so blessed to have the opportunity to meet wonderful people, new friends, and rekindle a passionate love affair w/ theatre.

Onto the real reason for the blog. Time to track the weight loss thus far. The past 3 weeks have played out like this:

Week 20: Gained .2 lbs. :(
Week 21: Lost 1.4 lbs.
Week 22: Lost 1.8 lbs. (Not real sure how... but was pretty pleased w/ that result this weekend!)

This has brought my total weight loss to 35 lbs. in 22 weeks! :) 50 lbs. is really in sight now! I can't believe it.

So, now I am looking at my newly-discovered free time and am wondering what I'm going to do w/ it. I know I am definitely going back to the gym. In fact, I wanted to go tonight, but I have felt completely out of it today (was so tired last night that I went to bed at 9:30. Woke up around 2:30. Went back to sleep around 3:30. Woke up to get up then at 6:45. Really jacked myself up!). I am looking forward to working out again.

This year has been one that I've dedicated to working on me. And as I'm nearing the half-way point of the year, I can definitely say that in the past 6 months, I have discovered a little more self-confidence, gotten involved in something I love, met some new friends, and perhaps most importantly, really smiled for the first time in years. 

Me at Christmas in Disney, prior to starting diet.

Me and some of my new favorites. I am in green. First time I've looked at a picture of myself and have seen a difference! I do enjoy my "grrr" face. :)

Week #19 Weigh-In

Good afternoon everyone!

I sheepishly post this blog following last week's "I gained a pound, woah is me" rant. This week, I lost 3 lbs.! Nearly fell over when I saw that on the scale! This brings the total loss to 32 lbs. in just less than 5 months! It also solidified that I really DO gain weight during that time of the month, and that freaking out about it really just makes me feel like crap. It is part of my makeup as a woman, for better or worse, and one of those things that I need to just deal with.

Now that I've lost 32 lbs., the hubby has promised to take me shopping for some new clothes. Truthfully, I actually would rather HE go shopping. Kurt's lost 22 lbs. since the beginning of the year (yay hubby!), and he really has nothing that fits him anymore. I have clothes that I now fit into again, so the amount of shopping I really need to do has been decreased (not that I wouldn't jump on the opportunity to go shopping, but he really does need it more than I do...).

I wish I could say that this week has been off to a good start. However, 2 days of eating hot dogs and hamburgers has been like blech, and I'm definitely feeling it today. So, it's back to normal life, and eating well for the rest of the week. Hopefully, losing 3 lbs. wasn't a fluke and will continue the wonderful downward spiral this week, into the 5 month mark of this adventure.

Until next week.... stay thirsty my friends. ;)

Week # 18 Weigh-In: My Own Worst Critic

Greetings All,

Amid another busy week, I find some time to blog. Last week, I gained 1 lb., bringing total weight loss back up to 29 lbs. This week, this pound has become an obsession. I found myself really pissed off about it, dwelling on it... what I did right, what I did wrong. In reality (and I KNOW this), my weight fluctuates towards the high side when Aunt Flo is visiting, and like clockwork, I gain 1 lb. and the good Aunt arrives. It's been this way for 5 months. But it doesn't matter. I have kicked my ass this week over this stupid pound.

It's not been easy. We are now in full gear getting ready for the show now w/ practices every night of the week, which means I don't go home between work and rehearsal. Which means dinner is what I can scrounge up or can go get. I have gone out of my way to eat decently while I'm eating out, but it's still been difficult. I get home around 9:30 - 10:00, visit w/ the hubby for a minute, and then go to bed. Repeat.

Yes, the days have been hella-long. Yes, I am tired as hell. Yes, I miss my husband and my house needs cleaned. But the truth is, I am absolutely LOVING doing the show. I've met some really great people. I am having fun. I feel more alive than I have in a looooooooong time. I forgot how much I love theatre; the feeling of being on stage in front of people, the feeling of a stage under your feet, the way a theatre smells, the people that you meet... things I have missed for a long, long time. I feel like I'm finding me again.

And yet, I am torn between the high of the adrenalin of theatre and beating myself up over gaining a pound. Do I need to re-assess my priorities? Do I have to be so focused on losing weight that I cannot do things I love? Do I need to be getting my ass out of bed at 5:30 to work out prior to working 13 hour days? How can you do everything you want to do - everything you need to do? Balance in life has never exactly been a strong suit of mine. I like being busy - or perhaps the better word is consumed - by things that are not the mundane, everyday tasks. Anyone who knows me well knows that I do not half-ass anything. I'm all or nothing.

So, I try to do better this week, which I think I have. I remain my own worst critic. Because if I'm not, I'll lose my will. And no one else will do it for me. Hopefully, I will feel better about myself next week. In the meantime, I continue to fight. I love life. I work hard. I kick my own ass. I remain conflicted and unbalanced.

.... until next time... 

Week #17 Weigh-In

Hello All,

Hooray. I hit a milestone this past week! I lost 1.8 lbs., bringing my total loss to 30 lbs.!!!! 2 more pounds and the hubby is taking me shopping (I'm sure he's forgotten this promise by now... but this your little reminder, honey....).

I was really pleased w/ the results from the past week. I really did eat pretty well, at least until the weekend got here. This week, however, hasn't been as successful. I've had play practice nearly every night this week (except tomorrow... can't wait for a day off!), so it's involved eating when and where I can. I guess I'll find out when I go to weigh myself this weekend.

Work and life has also been busy. I like my life in a state of naturally-occuring busy, but lately, it's been like, WTF-kinda busy, added in w/ sleeping poorly and little exercise. I actually am missing it. I wish there were more hours in the day....

But, I'm making progress and moving along, and that's what matters. :)

Weigh-In: Week #16

Hello All...

So it has been 4 months since I've been tracking my weight loss. Time flies when you're having fun... ha ha!

This was not a spectacular week, for no other reason other than laziness on my part. I did not eat like I should, and for that, I gained .4 lbs. So, I'm still at a loss of 27 lbs., over 10 lbs. my initial goal, but I am still irritated about the gain. Just means I'm working hard this week....

Not that exercising is happening much. Have play practice every night this week. So I'm going to have to kick my ass w/ food, and hope that next week, my practice schedule allows me to go to the gym. I miss it. Especially w/ the weather nice, I really wanna hop in a pool! :)

Talk to y'all soon! :)

Weigh-Ins # 13, 14, 15

I have been a terrible blogger. It's been 3 weeks or so since I've had a chance to blog about my weight loss. Things have been sooooooooo hectic and the best word to describe things lately has been distracted. I spent most of last week in jury duty, which was interesting, but kept me away from work when I really needed to be there. So I'm super behind there. My car is on a slow death march, so I've been car shopping. I've had play practices and we're remodeling a room in our house which is like super-consuming... so w/ all of that, blogging has taken a back seat. Dieting, however, has not. Working out has been nearly impossible though. There's just not enough hours in a day to do everything you want to do. :(

So, week #13, I lost .6 lbs. Week # 14, I lost 1.6 lbs. Week # 15 I lost 1.6 lbs. That's a 3 week total of 3.8 lbs. and a total loss of 28 lbs. I am really happy to be so close to 30 lbs. lost! :)

I was trying some clothes on yesterday w/ a girl friend, and I am proud to say that woman's clothes are too big on me now!!!! That felt really good. Granted, I'm sure I'm going to be shopping at Lane Bryant and the Avenue for a while... but the fact that 1X and 2X things are big is wonderful!

I also went crazy and bought a bathing suit that I really want to look nice in by the end of the summer! It's really adorable and looks like a 50's pin-up girl bathing suit - black w/ white polka-dots, a little skirt, low cut. Very cute. Not that I have a reason to wear a bathing suit, aside from water aerobics, but it's a goal. It fit when I tried it on yesterday, but not as well as I would hope. To be fair, I hate trying on bathing suits w/ underwear on and I was very full from dinner.... but it's a nice goal to have. :)

So that's where I'm at. Again, my apologies for not writing sooner. I'll keep in touch a little better. :)

<3

Weigh-in #12

Hello Readers,

My many apologies for the tardiness of this post. My husband scolded me yesterday for not blogging yet this week (which was good... he keeps me honest!) w/ my latest weigh in, so here I am, better late than never...

This week has been absolutely crazy! It is the week of the office move, which means the amount of time I've been able to sit at my computer during work (shhh... don't tell...) and blog has been significantly reduced. After today, I won't even have access to my computer b/c tomorrow is our official move date. On top of which, I had an audition for another play Monday night, which I will discuss more in-depth here shortly. Yesterday, I had to go to a local town meeting, and spent all day helping our warehouse lady finish her packing, which was gruelling, intense work.... no need for a work out yesterday... I thoroughly kicked my own ass from all the packing, heavy lifting, etc.

Now for the weigh-in... this is a milestone in this adventure. It's been 3 months since I've been weighing myself and in that time, I have now officially lost 25 lbs! :) I lost 1.8 lbs last week alone, which was shocking b/c I actually never worked out. Then again, I have had anything but a "normal" office job over the past 2 weeks... most of my time is spent on my feet, running around, packing. So it breaks up the whole sitting on my butt in front of a computer typical kind of day for me. :) I am also now at my halfway point for the year for weight I've wanted to lose, which is also fairly awesome! I am definitely proud of this accomplishment and the hard work thus far!

As I mentioned earlier, I auditioned for a show this week. It is an adaptation of Alexandre Dumas' "La Dame aux Camilias" (or The Lady of the Camellias, if your French is a little week) aptly titled "Camille." If you have ever seen Moulin Rouge, the screenplay is a loose translation of the same story. The adaptation was written by the gentleman who will also be directing it, so it was interesting auditioning for someone who already knew what he wanted the show to feel/sound/look like. Some of the roles had already been casted, so I was not really expecting anything. However, I got a phone call yesterday and was offered a role! :) I will be playing Nichette, a respectable (read: not a whore!) girl and an old, dear friend of the main character. A small, supporting role, but a start... a foot in the door of the local theatre community, which is really all I wanted. I am thrilled and excited, and the first rehearsal is tomorrow (did I ever mention I am also a bit of a masochist...???). Whew!

So that's this week in a nut shell.... I'm tired just re-reading all of that... ugh! But yay for good news all around!

Weigh-In #11

Hi Everyone,

Well, at this point, I was supposed to be down 25 lbs. (at least according to my short-term goal). However, 2 weekends in a row of being away from home and doing things that are "out of the ordinary" put a bit of a hamper on it. Last week, I gained 1.4 lbs. This week, I am glad to report that I lost 1.2 lbs! So I lost nearly everything I gained the previous week. However, I miss this particular goal... I am down 23 lbs. total. But I am still not complaining. I'm double where I expected to be at this time, so YAY!

I did pretty well on eating good and exercising this past week. Went to the gym, exercised at home... could have done more, but I did better than I have been doing. This weekend, however, I went to Columbus for a weekend visit w/ the in-laws (the hubby and I along w/ the ma and pa-in-law went to visit my brother and soon to be sister-in-law!). Had a wonderful time visiting, catching up, talking wedding stuff, etc. And for the most part, my food options were pretty good. Stopping for ice cream was really difficult. Apparently, Columbus has this really terrific gourmet ice cream place called Jeni's. They have all sorts of kinda-funky flavors of ice cream and they are going to have an ice cream station type thing instead of a cake at the wedding, so we wanted to check it out. You can sample at this place all the different ice creams and they are fabulous... but instead of getting what I really wanted, which would have been a salty-sweet caramel ice cream, I ended up getting a kid's portion of Cardamom-Lime Frozen Yogurt. It was tasty, don't get me wrong. But I was actually half-impressed w/ my self-control.... :)

P.S. Kasey and Betsy, if you're reading this, I had a wonderful time and appreciate your hospitality in your new, beautiful house! Also appreciate the use of your bar and consuming a good amount of your wine and your Bailey's.... ;) I hope we can do it again sometime....

This week, I am looking forward to some normal-life kind of stuff. Staying at home this weekend. Catching up on some cleaning and other stuff.... next week, my office is moving, so I'm planning on trying on keeping home life normal when work life turns to chaos!

I also have a new goal - when I lose 9 more lbs. (which will bring me to an even number w/ regards to my weight), I am allowed to get some new clothes, given that I can hardly keep my pants on my ass anymore. I don't have a time frame to get it done, necessarily, although I'm hoping for w/in the next month or 6 weeks... b/c I really do want some new clothes. So that's what I'm looking forward to. :)

Talk to everyone later. :)

Weigh-in #10

Greetings Readers,

Another quick blog as I'm jotting this down during my lunch break @ work. Last week was not as good to me as I hoped. Not for lack of trying... believe me. I tried. But alas, I gained 1.4 lbs. this week. However, I never had a chance to work out, ate catered dinners twice, pizza and subs twice, and generally was in situations where I had little choice in the food I was eating, but was STARVING when it was time to eat. So I'm sure my portions weren't great either. I was also drinking quite a bit.... which doesn't help. And to make matters worse, my boss came in for a visit yesterday and brought lunch w/ her and she always brings great, delicious things w/ her. We had salads and wraps (not too bad), I avoided the small bags of chips, but the cookies and freshly-baked rolls, however, were unavoidable.... :( It's very easy to eat like a fat kid.... boo!

Anyways, I went to the gym last night - had a great water aerobics work out, and am working like hell to detox myself.... again....

What is nice, however, is that people are starting to notice. At a meeting I was at Thursday, someone asked if I had lost weight, and he was very complimentary, which was nice. Makes you feel good when others notice your hard work. :)

Like anything in life, you fall down and you dust yourself off and try again. Here's to a better week. :)

Weigh In #9

Hello Everyone,

This is one of those posts that's going to be short and late. Sorry to disappoint... ;) Been a busy week. Going to a Model UN conference this week/weekend to volunteer some time... it's good for the soul. :) But in the meantime, there's work stuff I've needed to get done beforehand which was hugely pressing. Working out this week has been not good. Was involved in a car accident this weekend (nothing serious... I was not driving... my friend and I are ok, those involved are ok, and her car is ok... all that matters!), and Sunday and Monday, I was pretty sore. Not to mention we have a new water aerobics instructor (or, apparently, the original one returned... however you want to look at it...) who runs it like water aerobics boot camp. It was different, but in a good way when I went last Wednesday. Different muscles working.

Anyways, as for the weigh-in, last week I lost 1.6 lbs! This brings my total loss to 23 lbs!! :)

I have a very short-term goal for now... I would like to get down to 25 lbs. lost in 2 more weigh ins... so when I'm posting weigh-in # 11, I should be half-way to my goal for the year!! That to me is crazy! But I'm very excited and very motivated and planning to do the best I can while at conference. I bought to-go smoothies for breakfast and some manderin oranges (I love those little Cuties oranges that come in a box!) and will carry around a trusty can of almonds for snacking. A few meals are provided, which I'll have to watch out for, but I think w/ moderation and a healthy lunch, I should do ok. :)

Here's til next time. :)

Weigh-In #8

Hello Friends,

Well, it's been 2 months since I've started weighing in... I've been pleased with a steady loss... some weeks have been better than others, but such is life.

As for this past week, I have started taking alli. I have been on it one week as of today and as of today, I am no longer taking it. The, ahem, bathroom issues it has caused have been atrocious and have been unbearable for the past 2 days. While I believe it has helped, which I will discuss more about here shortly, it is not worth dealing w/ the bathroom issues and feeling like crap that goes along with it. I was fairly pleased with my progress doing it the natural, old fashioned, albeit hard way. So it's a good decision for me, I believe. Was definitely worth a try and I wouldn't NOT recommend it. It definitely works. But if you have anything less than a strong stomach and a normal.... um... GI system, I would use caution.

And now that we're all entirely uncomfortable talking about pooping, let's move on to the weigh-in. Last week, I lost 3.6 lbs! I was entirely shocked. I figured I would have been down 1lbs. This brings my total weight loss in 2 months to 22 lbs! I am very proud of myself... not to toot my own horn too much. :)

I am also FINALLY starting to notice some changes. Last night, I happened to stroll by my closet (which has full-length mirrored doors) after getting out of the shower, and was like, wow... my legs look like, well, legs. I have always always always had thick legs. No matter what I've done... I've had big thighs and calves. It's where I have always carried my weight (I've gotten more top-heavy as I've gotten older...). However, as I got fat, they were kind of blobby and gross looking. Now, while they sure aren't getting my in a Nair commercial anytime soon, they definitely look more defined and nicer. That's a good start!

Along w/ thinking that my legs are looking a bit better, I've also noticed that I have knees again! When I sit, I can actually see the shape and definition of a knee sticking out of my pants. Previously, they kind of looked like cankles. Like, there's thigh and calf and a blob in between. I know it sounds silly... my husband got a chuckle out of it when I showed off my knees... but little things make me happy. My jeans are starting to get too big, too. Like, to the point of rediculousness. Which is kind of nice, but I definitely prefer pants that fit... kind of sick of all my pants looking like MC Hammer pants.

Stop. Hammer Time.

Weigh-in #7

Hello Friends,

I do apologize for the tardiness of this weigh in. Work has been crazy... hell, life has been crazy. But there is much to update on....

Over the past 2 weeks, I've been struggling to see results. In reaffirming my committment to this lifestyle, I worked out consistantly and ate well, and ended up losing 2.4 lbs last week! I was tickled! This has brough my weight loss total to 17 lbs. in nearly 2 months! :)

I went to the doctor's last Thursday because the prescription I take needed a refill and I thought it would be good to share my results with my doctor and see what my weight was the last time I went to see him (which, as it turns out, was in September of last year). I was only 1 lb. heavier than when I first weight myself back in January. I found that to be a little odd. I would have thought I would have lost more weight in the first 2 weeks of the diet than just 1 lb. But then again, there were a few "wild card" moments between September and January which could have affected my weight gain/loss. My birthday is in November, and I was definitely eating well that week... and by well, I mean enjoying food that I'm sure was terrible for me, followed closely by Thanksgiving! The week before Christmas, I went to Disneyworld w/ my family. Despite being on vacation, I really didn't think I ate terribly and the walking around definitely burned calories. But then there's Christmas.... and I ate EVERYTHING I could between Christmas and New Years b/c I knew I would be starting this lifestyle change (I made the decision to do it while in Disneyworld b/c my family is a bunch of power-walkers and I could hardly keep up and was embarassed by it. Also had a wonderful conversation w/ my step-mom who was very influential in this decision.). Anyways, long story short, I can officially say that I have lost a total of 18lbs. since the beginning of the year. Double yay! :)

My doctor was very pleased w/ my dieting results thus far. He could see I was losing weight and was impressed w/ my motivation. He gave me a trial sample of alli, which is a weight loss aid pill that blocks the fat, and for every 5lbs. you lose through diet and exercise, alli will help you lose an additional 2-3 lbs. depending on your level of diet and exercise. He said he had heard good things about it and that I should give it a shot. I started it yesterday. You take a pill w/ each meal. So far, so good. Makes my stomach feel a little funky, but that's part of the side effects... which really just effect your, um... potty habits. So we'll see how that goes. I also really like the website for alli... there are a lot of good tips, menu items, a community of alli takers so you have people to talk to, which is kind of nice. So, I feel pretty good about it.

As for this week, I must say my execising routine has been poor. I didn't get to go to the gym Monday b/c we had a flooded basement, no hot water, and needed to get some things done around the house b/c of all those issues and pick up some groceries. I can't go to the gym tonight b/c I have to get an oil change before my husband steals my car and drives to Nashville for work. I am really going to push myself to work out at home tonight. However, my mood has not been conducive for working out. I've been particularly somber over the past few days for no real reason. I don't know if some of the things going on at work are coming home with me, or if it's because I have changed how often I am taking my prescription I mentioned earlier... but it's been a rough couple of days. My eating habits are fine. Just exercising has been off this week. Need to find a way out of my particular funk...

So, that's been my past week or 2. Thanks for being patient... I will do better w/ blog posts....

Later gator!

Weigh-in #6

Greetings Everyone,

I have officially embarked on this adventure now for nearly 2 full months and have been weighing myself for 6 weeks. At this point, it's definitely worth looking at some of my successes and lack thereof.

This week's weigh in, I lost .5 lbs. Still disappointing b/c I've spent 2 weeks now where I have not met my goal of 1 lb. a week. This brings my total to 15 lbs. in 6 weeks. And this is where in the past other diets have stopped. Mostly, I would do them for about 6 weeks and then give up. Perhaps this is why I feel I'm hitting a wall of un-motivation. For example, yesterday my husband and I fully intended to use shovelling our driveway (we have a pretty good sized driveway. Both of us shovelling it would take us an hour) as our exercise. We got up when we said we would (roughly), ate an appropriate breakfast for doing a physical activity like that, and decided that we would let the weather warm up a bit and shovel in the afternoon. So, as also intended, we ran to a furniture store and came back home, and somewhere in the middle decided to go up to the wineries that are about an hour north of us. So, no shovelling. I ate well despite being out and about. The worst thing I had was a few slices of a baguette (which was totally necessary to absorb some of the wine I was drinking)... and of course, consuming several glasses of wine...

Today, we fully intended to shovel the driveway... again. Got up at a good time, ate breakfast, and then the hubby got sick. Obviously, a sick hubby wasn't shovelling the driveway and while I am not against doing it myself, I tended to him. Ran some errands, got him what he needed to feel better... no shovelling. Ended up doing a late dinner b/c the NASCAR race was on... and now I'm here at nearly 9:30 in the evening... no exercise for the weekend... no shovelling, no using the Kinect. Nothing.

I am disappointed in myself. I am disappointed that our society makes it sooooo much easier to be a fat kid in life than being healthy. But I cannot change society, only myself. I was so motivated by the losses of earlier that these minimal losses are really kind of discouraging. But it's my fault. If I'm not working out like I should or monitoring as closely what I am eating, then I'm not going to live up to my goals. I am proud of what I accomplished thus far, but there is still much work to be done. Here's to another week to get it right again....