Welcome to the exciting world of me trying to make a new start and become a better me!

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Bless me Father, for I have sinned...

... it has been 18 months since my last confession. And in 18 months, my life is completely different. I scrolled through my old posts of journaling my weight loss and feel a sting of disappointment.

Do I begin w/ the excuses? The reasons? The justifications in my head? Does it matter? When things happen to you, the measure of one's character is how one deals with challenges and adversity. So I've done what I needed to do and worked through what I needed to work through, but sometimes you need someting to help you get through. And you turn to that which you know. What is familiar. What gives you instant gratification.

People are going to read this who may know or not know and may perhaps be shocked and confused. But this is the first time I'm saying this out loud in this kind of a digital medium where I am putting it out for the world to know...

Last September, my husband asked me for a divorce. Things weren't working out. Neither of us had been happy for a long time (and that's all I'm saying about that). Regardless, I was heartbroken. I moved out in October and moved in with a very dear friend who was kind enough to put me up while I go through this transition period. In November, I received news that my contract at my job was not going to be renewed due to budget cuts. And just before Christmas, I was separated from my husband and lost my job.

I'm not much for wallowing. I find it counter-productive. This time, it was harder to just pick myself up by the bootstraps and trudge along. I didn't have much of a reason to. There were days I barely got out of bed. You may recall one of my major motivations for losing weight a few years ago was so that I could have a healthy pregnancy. Well, that motivation was shot to hell. The idea of dating anyone was revolting. And while I tried to smile and tell people I was ok, I wasn't. My housemate strongly recommended I see a counselor, so I did. That helped. And every day, I made smaller and smaller steps to become a functioning human being again.

I started to have more good days than bad days. I started to see opportunities ahead of me as opposed to failures behind me. After 5 months of unemployment, I got a job at a small woman's college in Cleveland in May. Full-time. Benefits. Own office!!! Not great money, but better than unemployment by a long shot. Just having a job did a lot for my sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Felt productive again.

I am recovering. I still have bad days... but not as often. I have days where I don't want to get out of bed, but that's only b/c I'm sleepy and comfy, not full of despair. I also can now look in the mirror at myself and say, you're gonna be ok. Better than ok. Just fine. Now work on yourself.

And this brings us to the right now. I have gained about 30 lbs back. Hugely disappointed. That puts me too close to my highest weight, and I don't want to go there again. Clothes aren't fitting me. I'm not happy w/ how I look and I don't like the way I feel. So I need to start from square one, and begin again. I work at a college and have free access to a gym.... I need to use it! I live very close to a beautiful metropark w/ lovely trails and stuff and I've never been there! That should change. It's time to set new goals, reward small victories, find new support, and really try to be the best version of me I can be. I think it's time to start really "defying gravity."

I will be the phoenix.

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