Welcome to the exciting world of me trying to make a new start and become a better me!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Day 16: Coming to Terms With "The Number"

Greetings All,

I wanted to write about a really big step I took over the weekend (sort of forced to by my husband). I learned what my weight was for the first time in well over ten years!

I have been petrified of this number. As if knowing the number would somehow change how I viewed myself and who I am as a person. The only reason I found out what it was way back when was right before I went to college, I had to get a physical. Out of sheer curiousity, I peeked at the weight number. I said "eek!" And never looked at it again til now. When I would be forced to step on a scale at a doctor's office, I would shut my eyes and ask the nurse not to tell me what it said.

Kurt, who has been working equally as hard on the whole diet and exercise adventure with me (much to my surprise and joy!), decided that he wanted to know his weight and decided to buy a scale Saturday. My response was "that's nice." He even bought a nice scale - one that will track 2 people's weights and store them and everything. Still, I had absolutely zero desire to put my ass on that thing. Mind you, he's weighing himself nearly 2 weeks into this adventure, and perhaps he had already lost weight (his biggest thing has been no more Pepsi consumption. He's been without it as long as I've been blogging. So yay him!). Then, after a long conversation, Kurt convinced me to get on the damn scale....

In all honesty, I had an idea about how much I weighed. I figured how much I though I gained my freshman year of college (Hell w/ the freshman 15... I think I put on the frosh 30!!), got to a certain size, and stayed there pretty much all through college. Lost a size before going to grad school. Then, went up 2 sizes during grad school. Lost a size prior to getting married. Put it back on and then some. I know I'm the biggest I've ever been at this point, but my weight has been determined by my pant size... which as a girl, is stupid. Let's be honest, women's sizes are re-donk-u-lous. What should be a size 10 should be the same in every store - not an 8 here, a 10 there, and a 14 over there.... So, I had an idea of what I though the scale would say. I was wrong.

I stood on the scale w/ Kurt in the bathroom w/ me. He said he would be the only one who would know my weight and would not tell me. Only if I'm gaining or losing. After a moment of torture and setting up all the settings and what not, he asked if I would like to know what it said. Of course, I said no. Then, that annoying curiousity crept up... so I asked him if my weight was what I thought it was. He said no. I sighed. Up or down? Up. Shit. He told me I really should know, and I gave in. He told me. I started crying.

I am not blessing you, my friends, with this number. Maybe someday when I become a skinny bitch and am sharing my triumphs, I will. In the meantime, I think it's better to post what I'm gaining and losing per week than being like "OMG... these people know what I weigh! They're going to judge me! Ugh!" I am coming to terms w/ the dreaded weight number. It is what it is. And it is only a number. Am I pissed I let myself go like this? Hell yeah. But I'm doing something about it, and THAT'S what matters.

In other interesting news, I am proud to say I am through the detox phase of the new life! Yay. Went to McDonald's on Saturday morning (after buying that damn scale!) and ordered a medium sugar-free vanilla iced coffee. Apparently, they didn't catch the sugar-free part. I took a sip and nearly gagged. I could not believe how sickeningly sweet that drink was. It was gross, and I was fairly shocked that I had drank that shit in the first place. It was not good in the least (now, if they had messed up and made me a mocha, I might be singing a different song...). So that was good to know! :)

Also on Saturday, we went to Olive Garden w/ some friends for dinner. I was saving my weekly cheat meal for Saturday night, and had been looking forward to it. Once we got there and I got a menu, I actually really would have been fine eating salad and minestrone soup and not cheating. However, since I was there and had been saving up for that meal, I ordered tortellini in a rich sauce w/ sauteed chicken. And since it's Olive Garden, had a few breadsticks and salad and an apple martini. I ate all the tortellini, about 1/2 of one piece of chicken (w/o the sauce, I could bring the chicken home and eat it for another meal). And I regretted doing that ever since. My stomach was so out of whack until this morning. And it was the first time I had a tummy ache in 2 weeks. I was relatively pissed at myself. Eating right involved thinking about it. I now watch everything I put in my mouth. And that night, I ate like my old self... w/o thinking about it. And it sucked. So I'm learning to keep my cheat meals in perspective... I am NOT the old Brittiani. I don't WANT to be the old me. And am proud to embrace the new.

On another note, I bought Dance Central for the X-box Kinect. I LOVE it! Great music, fun routines, and it has a workout mode. It's a whole lot of fun and I HIGHLY recommend it!

Here's today's list of nom-noms:

Breakfast: Peach smoothie and a cup of coffee w/ 2 Extra's and some Coffeemate
Lunch: Peanut butter sandwich on whole grain bread, yogurt w/ some dried cranberries and sunflower seeds, a Diet Coke
Mid-Afternoon Snack: A handful of almonds
Dinner: A recipe from the Abs Diet Book for lean steak cooked w/ garlic, raspberries, and red wine. I really enjoyed it. Kurt was on the fence. We also had a salad and some steamed brown and wild rice with peas and carrots and corn in it. I love those Green Giant Steamer veggies!!! And I am still quite full from dinner, so I will probably skip the evening snack.

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